Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your recently retired husband, Mr. Bill Fenton,
has been the source of quite a bit of commotion in our store. We cannot
tolerate this type of behavior and are considering banning the entire
Fenton family from shopping in any Walmart.

We have documented a number of the incidents on our video surveillance
equipment. Three of our clerks are attending stress management counseling
because of the trouble Mr Fenton has caused. All complaints against Mr.
Fenton have been compiled by the clerks and are listed below:

MEMO: RE: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done
while his spouse was shopping in our Walmart:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
   carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute
   intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the 
   womens' rest room.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
   "Code 3 in housewares....."
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and attempted to put a bag of M&M's
   on Christmas layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
   shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
   department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they can help him, he began to cry
   and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera at the jewelry counter;
   used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked
    the clerk if they knew where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
    the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using
    different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack, and when people browsed through,
    yelled, "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumd
    the fetal position and screamed, "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

And; last, but not least!

24. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while;
    then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"